As I’m growing, changing, evolving, healing, crying, healing some more, dealing some more, I feel called to share.
I always think, “If I can help people realize they aren’t alone…” and while I do know that inherently, when I’m by myself, crying and healing, I have had those moments of everybody else is happy, etc. I know it’s not true but that isn’t the point. So I figured with all the broken people I see around me (funny how that happens when you start doing your work and healing. It’s a little like having a special power only people doing their inner work have but I digress!), maybe someone else would benefit from knowing, for real, for sure, that they are NOT alone.
SO where do I start. I’ll start with last year. April 2011, it was a Sunday. We’d had a tornado tear through the city where I live the day before. Actually, a smattering of them, which is highly unusual. I remember watching the local news and seeing the cluster moving toward us…and then “The hook echo is well defined and it’s moving through downtown [ ]. Residents need to seek shelter.”
What the HELL? I’m on the 3RD FLOOR! It tore up parts of town, some badly and a walk around the property was creepy. Tornado debris everywhere. CREE-PEE! The white sheeting, the hail and actually seeing the wind swirl tornado like. Turns out it was actually about 1 mile to my east. LOVELY. Actually, scary is a better word. (I can be VERY sarcastic, FYI.)
So, my mother calls me the day after all this has happened. I’m still a little shell shocked that a tornado actually came through. She drops not one but two bombshells. After I’ve told her about the tornado and she couldn’t have cared less. First giveaway that it had to do with my brother…mom was GIDDY. And I mean, school girl giddy.
I flippantly ask who’s getting married or is pregnant. She says, “both!” Then explains that my brother and his then-girlfriend were expecting and were hoping to get married in June…of 2011.
So she relays all the details as well as the “why you just HAVE to get married.” I point out that you don’t “have to be” married nowadays and, no, the hospital doesn’t care. But heaven forbid someone in the little tiny city they live in find out that my brother, angelic figure that he is, got his girlfriend pregnant. OMG. My mom doesn’t realize that IF YOU DON’T SHARE NOBODY KNOWS. But it’s all about her so yeah, and the bride’s mother & father…
I got off the phone and was so angry, I was speechless. With whom was I angry? And about what? Oh, my mom, myself, my brother, myself, myself and MYSELF! This has NOTHING even remotely to do with my brother. It has some to do with my mother but more than anything, it’s about me.
So I sobbed like a baby til I couldn’t breathe. I was angry that I wasn’t getting married FIRST. After all, I am the oldest and that I would not be giving my mom her first “real” grandchild. Where the hell was that coming from? What’s going ON?
In the month after that, I fell for a really hot, smart guy and got unceremoniously rejected. I owe him a very big, sincere ‘thank you!’. No, seriously, I do.
So then, shortly thereafter, I was telling a friend about the whole mess and I’m in tears and she urges me to get counseling. And holds me accountable for finding a counselor, which I did shortly thereafter.
It’s been more than a year and I’ve cried, journalized, prayed, reflected and then done all of that some more. It’s absolutely worth it. Very eye opening and humbling.
I will post more shortly, as I document the path into the future for me. There’s a LOT and there is no way to feel, deal with and heal it in a year. But I think I’m doing a great job, all things considered.
My goal is to be as transparent as possible. Healing is an ongoing journey. If it’s not scary, you don’t cry, you’re not asking yourself ‘what the hell?’ or ‘where is THAT from?’ at least once per week, you need a mirror. You learn what real faith looks like and how to trust yourself, for real.