October 28th – I’ve Come So Far But…

I feel like I have so far to go! Doing your “inner work” is akin to house cleaning because you are, in a way, cleaning your house. Your emotional house. We often don’t realize how much crap we have until we move or decide to clean it up!

In terms of “moving” internally, when you realize something(s) is/are amiss, it becomes ‘where to start?’ It’s akin to moving and/or cleaning out in real life. Except it doesn’t just change the space you’re in, it changes you entirely. As far as ‘where to start’, anywhere is fine.

I helped a friend of mine move yesterday. We moved all of her stuff into this gorgeous, historic home and I helped her and her daughter unpack probably 90% of it. There was lots of practical stuff. There was also a lot that she was donating to Goodwill. Then there were a few things I ran across and handed to her for assignment that made her tear up. I felt bad but that’s part of moving, unpacking and sorting sometimes. And it’s all OK.

When I started my journey in April of 2011, wow that seems like forever ago…, anyway, back when I started this journey, I was broken and I remember sitting in my therapist’s office and saying “I don’t care what it takes, I want this stuff, gone! I don’t want to be angry or sad or ANYTHING negative anymore! I want to be happy and at peace and I want a husband and kids and…” I wanted, indeed I needed, to be heard.

Now, I desire to create. If I want, if you want, you and I will be wanting forever. But more on that later…

I talk A LOT. Some find it annoying, others comforting, and still others say since I talk to just about everyone, it makes them feel like they belong.

We have 3 parts, mind, body and spirit. Me, my-self and I. Me and I, mind and body, or body and mind, agree about 99% of the time. My Self, aka spirit, not so much! Self is the younger version of me growing up. Found out in September that “she” apparently had never flown before. I have been flying since before I was born. Confused? Yeah, me, too. I have never been afraid to fly. She was terrified. We made it through with a few gentle words…”I wont put you in a position where we are not safe. Trust me.” She did and I/we are fine, obviously.

Part of “cleaning out the closet or house”, so to speak, has been letting go, grieving, and realizing that a lot of anger and “stuff” is there that I knew nothing at all about. It’s also important to separate my stuff from other people’s stuff, like my mom’s, for example. I have a whole lotta mom stuff that can be “returned to sender, with consciousness attached”, as it were.

I have cleared out a LOT. I have shed more tears and found more “stuff'” than I knew existed. Sometimes it’s amazing how much “house” you find you have when you start really scrubbing and cleaning and clearing out the stuff.

It feels good to just let it go. It’s odd when I catch myself consciously wondering what it is and why I’m crying…and then I just tell myself it doesn’t matter, just chuck it. It doesn’t serve my highest purpose so it gets to GO! A tip that nobody shared with me: once you decide consciously to let go of something, it’s not like taking your hand off the wheel or letting go of the rope. Once you mentally decide to let it go, you need to just do your thing. Go on with life. The “letting go” part will happen on its own. Sometimes it’s almost immediate and other times you realize it weeks later.

Another thing about “letting go” that I knew nothing about was the attachments to the “thing” you let go. By the way, “thing” is all inclusive. When I refer to a ‘thing’, it may be person, place, emotion, idea, whatever…something you are deciding to let go of. But I digress. I don’t mean the obvious emotional attachment, I mean the other stuff you didn’t know was there. It’s kinda like a string or a fishing line or a net that you keep pulling on and pulling on and you don’t know what’s attached to it. Everybody’s experience is their own. More on that later as well.

Sometimes, things are healed in 5 minutes. Sometimes it takes much longer. I was listening to a webinar tonight and I am on the edge of yet another breakthrough.

I have been attending webinars, reading the same book repeatedly, journaling, working on me, taking better care of me and growing emotionally and spiritually. It is not easy and I still feel like I have a long way to go but I am proud of how far I’ve come.

Care for you, love you, be good to you, forgive you! Whether you’re 18 or 48 or 88, it’s never too late to heal! You CAN do it and you are BRAVE when you realize there’s an issue and start doing your work.



About spawtyspice

I was once a victim of a horrible act. Now, I'm a thriver, and sharing my experiences with Spartan Racing, training, spiritual awakening, food, yoga, being a fur mom, intuitive and whatever else strikes my fancy! Faith, family, fun! Blessed beyond compare! Won't you join me?
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