My heart hurts. OK, my chest. And it’s not that “go to the ER right now!” pain. Trust me, the first time I felt it, I was on webMD and a few other medical sites trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I also learned about panic attacks, something I’ve never had before in my life. I’ve freaked myself out to where I’ve been afraid to fall asleep because I was scared I wouldn’t wake up…because I have so much control over God’s plan for me! UGH!
So, after a discussion with my mother, ironically, I concluded that I was panicking. Over what? Not a clue really.
OK, that’s not true. I was freaked out because I felt this pain in my chest area that I’d never felt before. It feels like congestion. I know now that it’s stuck negative energy. I’ve been journaling and doing all kinds of things to try and move it, heal it, whatever it.
My mom is attached to, and intertwined with, 2 of the worst experiences of my life. I’m angry at her though I’d like not to be. I am trying to do a few different exercises in an effort to release it and let it go.
My anger at her boiled over in the spring when she came up to visit me and mentioned the “husband issue” (aka “you need to find a husband/what are you doing about finding a husband/you have to find a husband/you need a husband”) 5 times in under 40 hours. No, I’m not even kidding. The 5th time, after she dissed my involvement in a meetup group I belong to and wanted to know “what are you doing to try to find a husband”, I lost it. I screamed and yelled and actually, was MUCH better than I thought I’d be. But I was angry, at myself for still being husband and childless, angry with myself for allowing her to push my buttons (which I owned, btw), and angry with myself for not setting boundaries a long, long time ago!
I was angry with her for not realizing, or not caring to realize, how hurtful her words are. I GET IT! YOU WANT ME MARRIED WITH KIDS FOR 99 REASONS, not one of which of my personal happiness! Well, allow me to share. I would rather be happy and single than with someone and miserable, like some people I know. Now, that doesn’t mean I want to be alone. But I needed to heal. Still have “family” crap that needs healed and I’m working really hard on that because I know that until that’s healed, the rest will not come to fruition. It’s beating your head against a wall because…you like bloody walls and foreheads?!
I also told her very, very firmly that if she brings up my “personal life” I will hang up on her. I warn her and she backs off. I think she finally realizes I’m pissed and I’m serious. This is MY life. It’s about what I WANT, NEED and DESIRE.
I am told that when that energy is breaking out, it’s a hurricane/bad storm but you’ll know about it. I’ve been known to peel the onion rather than trying to implode the thing.
The effort continues. I’m told knowing and owning the problem, accepting what is for what is is 1/2 the battle. OK, I’m at least 70% of the way… they also say the last .2 miles are the hardest part of the whole marathon. Is that so? I’m ready for it. The best is yet to come!