Breaking Apart

One of the hardest part of growing is growing. The transitions, the pain, the breakdowns, the realizations are all part of the process. Remember when you were younger and your voice changed, you got your 1st period, you discovered boys/girls weren’t yucky, your voice was weird, you hurt because growth spurts suck, you were the tallest or shortest in your class, you experienced your 1st heartbreak?

Growing internally is like that only most of it is behind closed doors and often it’s far more painful but also more rewarding, than the 1st time around. The hardest part of it for me was realizing, and trying to make a few people close to me realize, that this is a journey I have to take by myself, for myself. That is to say, nobody can “do it for you” and while people can absolutely support you, there is no way for them to sym/empathize unless they’ve done it. Not to mention that the idea that “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear!” is one of the truest things I’ve ever heard.

I have had people ask “why did you not do this [before now]?” Um, because I wasn’t ready. And it isn’t really your assessment that matters…when God/the Universe realize you have hit your bottom, the door opens. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready and if anyone, yourself or someone else tries to force it, it won’t end well.

That said, inner work is not for the weak of heart but at a certain point in your life, if something is wrong and God/the Universe KNOW it MUST change, you’ll be made aware of it. In my case, as I said in a previous post, my life imploded more than 2 years ago. Nobody “got hurt” other than me and I needed to get hurt to heal so it was OK and I was told by someone knowledgeable that I was/am one of the most self-aware people she’s ever known. I guess that’s a good thing.

Now I’m seeing a similar situation in someone close to me, whom I love dearly. And there are people involved trying to prevent the implosion while the person hurting deeply is trying their best to break apart.

What the people around that person don’t realize is, there is no saving face here. There is no preventing the explosion. You’ve got to let it happen. This is when it’s good to have faith. Not Sunday faith mind you, but real, deep, abiding faith because things are going to get bad for awhile.

Like painful, gut-wrenching, I’d-rather-die-than-stay-here bad. However, that’s short-lived and when the crap clears and you start dealing with the monsters and you get brutally honest with yourself, own your shit, rebuke the shit that’s not true, realize that mom lied to you, dad lied to you and others lied to you, you lied to you, it changes the picture. That feeling like “it’s over” is a scary place and whether the “over” actually is is TBD.

It’s tough. Hell, it’s tough writing this post. But sometimes you have to grab your faith, get brave, trust and let whatever’s gotta give, give already.

I’ve learned so much about myself it’s unreal and I’m still learning. I’ve learned that I have my own voice, I have acceptable/not acceptable. I have huge dreams that aren’t conventional. I’ve learned that my soul mate isn’t conventional, my life isn’t conventional but it’s mine. I’m grateful for it and I love it!

I’ve learned that when you look inward and own your stuff and take responsibility, you start to heal. I’ve learned that some steps are fast and you skip right through. Some, like right this minute for me, I’m stuck still. It bites but I’m trying hard to un-stick. And refraining from being stuck in the 1st place.

Is it going to turn your life upside down? Yes. Could it alter everything forever? Yes, in fact it will. For me, it’s been about 97% positive. But it’s all God’s plan anyway. Will it cause you to question relationships? Yes, absolutely. Every single one of them. And if you don’t, you need to ask yourself what you’re afraid of. The monster you THINK is behind the door and the monster that’s there are often very different, what your ego conjures up as ugly, scary, nasty very often is small and harmless. All you gotta do is say, “I see you,” and it oft disappears.

The bottom line is when someone is trying to break apart, though it’s counter intuitive, we must let them and love them through it. If someone says, “I want out,” we have to be strong enough to say, “OK,” and surrender to it. It isn’t easy, in fact it’s hell. But once you surrender, the shift happens. Once the shift happens, the healing can begin.

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About spawtyspice

I was once a victim of a horrible act. Now, I'm a thriver, and sharing my experiences with Spartan Racing, training, spiritual awakening, food, yoga, being a fur mom, intuitive and whatever else strikes my fancy! Faith, family, fun! Blessed beyond compare! Won't you join me?
This entry was posted in change, inner work, personal growth, spiritual growth, therapy, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Breaking Apart

  1. eric brasley says:

    This is what you call reality, a stiff kick in your pampered bottom. Take note and grow. Jill, im proud of you for leading the pack. It is your time.

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