Trying Not to Be Mad

I took a nap today. OK, it was about an hour-and-a-half snooze. Meant to be a 10 minute power nap. I bet you’re thinking, “So…you took a nap. Big deal.” Oh but it is! You see when you start doing your work, you realize that self-sabotage, your inner mean kids at work, is hard at work.

A year ago or even 6 months ago, I’d have dismissed a nap as “You ran a 5K and celebrated a 5 year old’s birthday THEN watched a baseball game and a hockey game Saturday and Sunday you did a physically demanding pole dancing class…and today you ran 1.5 miles in the heat…you haven’ had any time to just chillax lately plus all the drama with the…” And I could go on. Now, don’t get me wrong. All of those are legit events and reasons why one might be tired.

However, I know I’m on the verge of THE breakthrough. The awesome, life changing breakthrough. And I know that self is scared to death of it. I was warned to expect that as I did my work and got closer to the point of where life changes forever, things would get really tough and negative because your old self, the one that is used to the negative, the conflict, the status quo, not having money, not having love, living a fear based life, that self is about to be kicked out and put to rest and does not like it one bit. That’s the not good side of ego.

Yesterday, I was working to log time for a client before my weekly time cut off and honestly, self was mad because she’d not had any down time. Last Sunday I helped a client move then came home and did some work. I worked all week then Saturday I literally ran in the morning then was “on” Saturday afternoon. It was all leisure activities I happily chose to do but as it wasn’t down time and we’ve not been in a bikini near the pool in quite a little bit, self was not happy.

I noticed it and tried to dig a little deeper and explain that although we were active and didn’t have down time, it wasn’t work. When I had signed up for my pole dancing class on Sundays, self went a little nuts…wait, so we don’t have a day to just be at home if we want to be…???

I quelled that. Now that I don’t have Zumba on Mondays, Monday is the defacto home day.

As I’m changing and seeing my future, I see an amazing man who loves and supports me, dotes on me. He is younger than me and it bothers neither of us. I see myself speaking, coaching, traveling and making amazing money and changing the world with several projects, some for-profit, some not. I also see myself doing Zumba, pole dancing, doing Pure Barre and some other awesome physical stuff, including training for 3 more 5Ks this year.

Do you notice what’s missing from the above paragraph? Rest. A down day. For several weeks earlier this spring, I managed to NOT WORK for entire weekends. Fridays actually had significance. That’s been lost a bit.

So this morning, when I wrote down “6-7 therapy”, I sensed I was tripping a trigger in self but thought nothing of it…then I “got tired” around 5 or so, as a guess. And I laid down. Woke up around 6:45. Mad at self.

Realizing I had allowed self-sabotage. It’s actually insideous but your self knows you well. Your ego knows you well. I’m also excellent at procrastination, getting stuck in details and get distracted easily (squirrel!).

I should have gotten up, stretched out, danced, done some gardening…something to “wake up” so I was up and able to do my “therapy” at 6. But no.

I get it. Self is scared and knows that we’re really, really close and I’m excited. But I’ve been working really hard to get here. Self, not so much.

At first I was mad and beating myself up. Then I tried to be gentle with self. I get that change and all this newness is scary. I understand. I’m just disappointed that I didn’t see it. Ego is laughing at me. Self is giggling. I’m trying not to be mad.

Have you ever experienced something like this? Let me hear from you!


About spawtyspice

I was once a victim of a horrible act. Now, I'm a thriver, and sharing my experiences with Spartan Racing, training, spiritual awakening, food, yoga, being a fur mom, intuitive and whatever else strikes my fancy! Faith, family, fun! Blessed beyond compare! Won't you join me?
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