Today is July 1st. 1st day of the week, month and 2nd 1/2 of this year. Started out with a leaking fridge which my cat, Pedroia, showed me (mom, there is something under the fridge….get the yard stick..and out came the water/gunk/stuff). I know what it is, shut off the ice maker and on with my day, after I called the office to tell them.
So I spent a good part of this weekend trying to “break myself” if you will. I shifted some energy but there’s still something stuck. It’s a W-i-P.
I called InterAct today because I’d not heard from Marlo yet and it had been about 3 weeks. Felt a little odd but proud of my for following up! That is going to become a bigger part of my life, I know. Proud of myself for sticking up for me and advocating for my needs.
I listened to a call today that was the 3rd of 4. I’ve heard the 4th before but this was was really interesting about changing your mind and your subconscious. Lots of cool stuff and a decision to change things up. Since the ideas and beliefs I was living with weren’t working, I’m giving this new idea set a go, no reservations. We shall see. I’m excited for the possibilities.
Then my mom called. This can oft go either way. I have to say, overall, it went well. Visit to family is coming up and I’m trying to put myself there to bring up all the emotions and “stuff” that I suspect is surrounding it (being the last grandchild of child-bearing/marrying age [18+] who is neither married nor a mother) so I can clear it BEFORE I go. God, there’s a lot there. Please give me the strength to clear it and LET IT GO! I am willing, able and ready to let go of it, release it, heal it! NOW!
But I digress…so I’m talking to my mom and, oh, she was talking about her tooth issue and asked about mine. I need dental implants but I also need a filling. So my mom threw a fit, told me to call dentists, after I told her which tooth it was, get a quote and she’ll pay for it. Oh….KAY then….I think this might be a way of forcing me to be VERY conscious of what I do, how I do it, and so on…as I’m chewing and doing to protect that tooth til I can get it filled. And then the tears came.
It’s shame and guilt. Doing things differently, had I not had a nightmare experience at the dentist, would I not be in this position now? Don’t know. I have weak enamel and acidic saliva. Good to know. But yeah, nobody is more cognizant of the holes in my mouth than me. Trust me. NOBODY. If you have a flaw, missing limb, difference that is visible, or maybe not even but to you it is, you know what I mean.
You’ve played every scenario in your head and beat yourself up so much and so well that you could probably rival gang members at a beat down…and the target would probably be less wounded and beat up than you are. And to what end?
I know for me, it hurts me. Every day. It hurts. I have asked, and still do ask, myself, to what end am I beating me up? Why am I ashamed that that I didn’t go to the dentist when I should have? Why do I feel guilty about it? Why do I keep on with it? Who am I helping? Nobody. Who am I hurting? Myself. Again. And hell, seriously, haven’t I been hurt enough? I mean, really! Yes, I have. But old, painful, destructive habits die hard. So, I am willing, able and ready to release the anger, guilt and shame and forgive myself for being scared and letting fear stand in the way of being proactive.
I am committed to forgiving myself and realizing that the most caring thing I can do for myself now is to release the guilt, anger and shame connected to my smile, as well as the fear in order to be open to accepting the help and resources to fix my smile. I will not let my angry little self belittle me and this feels like her saying “see, you’re not pretty”…the hell I’m not. I’m beautiful and so is my smile and I will have it back soon as I am open to accepting the resources to repair it, from wherever they may come.
No, today was not an ordinary Monday. This is not going to be an ordinary July and my life is about to be extraordinary! On to Tuesday!