I was going to post something a bit different but since it’s not likely going to be done tonight, I’m posting something I posted elsewhere that I think is relevant.
1 of my goals when I first started blogging was to have a space to tell my story, as it unfolded, as I saw myself changing and hopefully aiding someone else through this, especially when family is “old school” and doesn’t get it….or is image conscious which, brutally honestly, pisses me off!
I’ve had to look at me and learn to love myself, learn to be gentle, learn to forgive.
I think I’ve said it before but I’ve tried to keep details as scant as possible without diminishing the story. Except that I think I talked about InterAct and living in Raleigh but the rest of it, in the unlikely event that someone in my family would hit on my blog, they’d likely not realize it was me.
1 of the oodles and oodles of things I’ve learned as I’ve gone through this journey is you have to find your own voice which might be uncomfortable in and of itself but more importantly, you’ve got to learn to listen to your Self/Inner Child/Inner Pilot Light or IPL (that’s a Lissa Rankin thing & I LOVE her for it!) and trust self, in spite of what everybody else is saying. Even when they disapprove or it pisses them off or they think that someone might realize that “Awesome Amber” is “YOU” and OMG….for the love of all things sacred!
Most of the people who “white glove it” as I call it are the ones with the deepest closest and the most “oh no she/he di’in’t” moments…
But with regard to privacy, I can tell my story, and obviously am without ‘hurting/exposing’ my family to anything. My extended family knows nothing about most of my life.
But I refuse to keep my mouth shut to please other people. Been doing that for a very, very long time. Not feeling or honoring negative feelings because my mom can’t deal with negative etc…guess what? It’s MY LIFE. I own it, I take responsibility for it and myself and as I’m sharing and writing, I’m healing. It’s not meant to hurt anyone.
When we don’t honor ourselves and our voices, we bottle guilt, anger, shame, resentment and the truth of who we are, which in most cases isn’t scary, just unknown because we’ve been being someone else. It’s toxic and it we eat at you until you finally implode.
Then you start your journey to who you are and I’m happier than I have ever been. Not where I want to be by any means but happier, cleaner, lighter and it feels great.