When I 1st talked about my rape, I felt weird. On the one hand I’m talking about something publicly that has all things negative attached to it: shame, anger, humiliation, guilt, and probably rage. On the other hand, I feel like I’m taking up people’s time, I’m making it about me but…it IS about me!
It’s about my soul spilling the secret that is my rape so that body, mind and soul, I can heal and have the life I deserve, the ugly finally drained.
I have shared it with a friend here, 2 private online groups I belong to and my Sunday dance class. Everyone has been super supportive which I appreciate. It makes “growing wings” easier.
It feels a bit odd as I don’t like to be the center of attention but that’s part of what makes rape and recovering from it insidious…that voice that says you can’t tell, you can’t share because what will people think, if you tell, it’ll look like you’re being selfish and it’s all about you and…that’s when you tell your Inner Mean Girl/ego/bitch self to shut up…and then being braver, more courageous than you think you know how to be and saying it.
The letter has lost it’s emotional power. I keep writing and journaling working and OKing myself to let stuff go.
The truth is, I don’t know what’s next. I’ve never know a self unencumbered by sadness, guilt, lies, anger, rage, shame and humiliation. That’s sad but true and I’m looking forward to the day when there is nothing but joy, happiness, truth and warmth in my body.
Last week, as I was talking about how I have never known a life, my self without all this negative baggage, she said, “Imagine all that space empty and then filled with joy and happiness.” I sobbed. Trying to visualize it and then let go of the negative that comes with it so there’s only joy left.
As I’m healing, as I’m finding friends, truths, new details and peace in speaking my truth I’m learning to accept that it’s about me and that’s OK. I can’t heal and get justice for anyone else until I heal me. And I think I’m pretty close!