Another session on Wednesday with Marlo. I had thought that I was done with the letter to Mark. I was tired of reading it to myself. So I wanted to read it Marlo to see where I was at. I read it, and made it to the last paragraph…and lost it…tears.
I was angry at, and disappointed with, self. I heard the mom/inner critic poo-pooing my progress, knocking me for “failing” because I’m not “done yet” with Mark and my rape and the stuff attached to it.
I was shocked and heart broken. I thought I was in 1 place, turns out, I was wrong.
Marlo, God bless her, pointed out that there’s been a definite shift. I got through 95% of it without tears, that is progress. I’ve done more work in less than a month than most people do in years.
I had told her at the beginning of our session that I met “new me”. I’m not sure what to do there quite yet. There’s lots of joy there tempered by a little trepidation. I’d imagine it’s like a small child meeting an unknown adult for the 1st time. There’s a curiosity and you sense quickly whether this person likes kids, and, more importantly you, specifically. If the person likes kids and pays mind to you, is this your new BFF?
In my case, this is me….but more on that later. Back to stumbling.
So as I talked about new me, how there doesn’t seem to be anything attached to or surrounding my assault when I was 8, and how there’s nothing “there” regarding my mom quiet yet…maybe I can just let that go and have a normal relationship with her?!
Marlo says I’m much closer than I think I am but I’m not there yet. She’s impressed by how quickly I’m healing, how hard I’m working and how willing I am.
I was sprinting…I’ve slowed to a jog which is OK. It’s a small stumble, not a stop, because I’m not done, not giving up.