It’s Not What You Think…

So I had my session Wednesday and we’re digging and I’m talking, trying to figure out where I’m at, why the whole idea of saying “I was date raped” publicly freaks me out. It’s not shame, it’s something else. Ah, yes, thank you self. It’s being extraordinarily vulnerable.

Here I thought I was being so brave. I was. But it isn’t about being brave. It’s about going through the WHOLE process of healing. You can’t go on ahead and come back to that part where you feel stuck. You’re stuck for a reason. To get unstuck, you must dig.

In my case, I admit that I have no idea what’s stuck. Or maybe I do. But the stuff I thought was mom energy, wasn’t. It was my rape and all the negative energy attached to it.  I thought my rape was a blip. It wasn’t. It was huge!

I thought that the last brick was my rape. I think it’s letting old me die so new me can take that space but I’m not 100% sure. I’m listening, looking for signs, savoring every yummy second and working on getting still.

On Wednesday, I was given the assignment to NOT read the letter, or do anything for a week. Massive resistance. So Marlo said, “how about til Friday?” So that’s what I did. I am very guilty of “overdoing”…oldest child. SO an overachiever. Trying to just shut it and BE. And letting things come “as they were”.

As a side note, a year ago, I was given an awesome gift. I am prayerful I didn’t totally screw it up because it’s one of those once-in-a-lifetime gifts.

Note to self: As a gentle reminder, because I love you, you control you, your actions and reactions. That’s it. Everything else, not so much. The how and the why are none of your business. Again, I love you. Good job listening, by the way!


About spawtyspice

I was once a victim of a horrible act. Now, I'm a thriver, and sharing my experiences with Spartan Racing, training, spiritual awakening, food, yoga, being a fur mom, intuitive and whatever else strikes my fancy! Faith, family, fun! Blessed beyond compare! Won't you join me?
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