So, I had my session today and I have to say that every time dig, I discover how much my being raped has affected my life. Trust in self? Check. Trust in general? Check. Trust in men? Check. Dad issues? Check. Finances? Check. Faith, family, focus in general? Check, check and check!
So I told Marlo about my dad and the Red Sox game, kind of a non-chalant thing, I thought. I was, well, I am mad. I’m supposed to be headed to Boston to see my team play and I’m here. And not a word from Dad in about 3 weeks.
So we start talking about my Dad and how I’m pissed that he couldn’t do this one thing! I realize it’s just a game. She immediately said, “No, it’s more than that. It actually has nothing to do with the game.” Um, OK. But she’s right.
It’s a trust issue.
It’s about my being brave enough to ask, which believe it or not is a big deal. I worked up the courage to ask. I was, and still am, finding my voice.
Sure, remind me next season, he said. I asked late last season. So I asked in spring and again during the summer…he was going to get back to me. But didn’t. As I said yesterday, while I fully understand that had it all worked out, we’d not be having this discussion and that this was necessary to tear open the wound so it can heal, it still hurts.
Trust-wise, I feel like we’re back to square 1.
I’m disappointed. I mean, how hard is it to look at your calendar, determine when you’re not working, and plan accordingly? Obviously, I am asking that rhetorically.
My relationship with my dad, all the crap, my anger at him, my disappointment in him, is connected to Mark and my rape.
There’s a connection and a pattern I’m working to shatter as my him deserves the best possible me. So my assignment this week – write a letter to my dad! Stay tuned…