A Letter to My Rapist

Dear Mark,

Where to begin? This is such a different letter from the 1st one I wrote you. There is still some anger there as well as shame and guilt. The truth is, you raped me. You sodomized me. It wasn’t about sex or love or intimacy. Truly, truthfully, it was a huge, massive violation of me, trust, my trust in myself and the loss of my voice.

You raped me, you sodomized me. You didn’t listen to me. I felt like I betrayed myself when the truth is, I was just trying to stay alive & survive it. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I stopped feeling. I hated myself even more than I did before you raped me. I felt dirty, filthy, violated, unlovable, like someone put a tattoo on my forehead that was never coming off. I felt so raw and vulnerable and ugly. I remember getting up and showering at your place. It hurt to walk, it hurt to sit, it hurt to move. Your shower was filthy, even after I’d scrubbed it once before. I guess some things just can’t be cleaned.

In spite of my mother’s thinking you were a good Catholic man, you aren’t good and you’re not a man. Whether you’re Catholic concerns me not.

I’ve figured out that the night you raped me was the last time we were together. CHRP was the following weekend and the weekend after that you broke up with me.

Shortly thereafter, I found out from my parents that you cheated and they found out that you raped me.

Imagine my mother’s shock that a good Catholic man could be a rapist. I’m pretty sure she was more upset about that than the fact that you raped me. Then again, she doesn’t “do” negative emotions and you foiled her plan to keep me in [town]!

I have lived with this for 11 years and telling Jenn & talking to Marlo and healing it are the best things I’ve ever given myself. I’m letting go of you, the bullshit, the pain, the shame, the guilt, the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the anger. 11 years is more than enough.

I could have reported you but didn’t. Truth is, between being afraid of what others would think, say and do and the thought of your kids losing their dad, having already lost mom, I couldn’t do it.

The statute of limitations is long since expired so you’re safe. You have to live with what you did.

I have lived with this for such a long time that honestly, I don’t know how not to but believe you me, I’m figuring it out. I’m healing, I’m exposing the wound that is my rape so it can get fresh air, love and start to heal for real, forever.

I love me. I do. I love me. Not again but for the 1st time in my life. I love me, I trust me, I trusted myself to leave my comfort zone & go to the mountains. By myself. I trusted myself. I trusted [  ] and I trusted myself to trust [  ] in his absence.

I know I deserve love, joy, happiness and fun. I can let go of everything that doesn’t support that even though I realize it’s what I know.

It’s time to venture into the unknown. I am. I am OK. I am strong. I am not my rape.
I am not a victim. I am a survivor.

I am healing more every day so eventually I can be a voice for all the women who cannot, do not, will not or choose not to speak. You inadvertently gave me a purpose. I will use your crime against me to help women around the world heal their wounds.

Eventually we’ll be silent no more.

I am healing. I am happy. You are no longer a daily occurrence in my head. This is me surviving, this is me thriving. This is me kicking your ass out of my head! This is me moving on!

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About spawtyspice

I was once a victim of a horrible act. Now, I'm a thriver, and sharing my experiences with Spartan Racing, training, spiritual awakening, food, yoga, being a fur mom, intuitive and whatever else strikes my fancy! Faith, family, fun! Blessed beyond compare! Won't you join me?
This entry was posted in change, inner work, personal growth, rape, rape survivor, sexual assault, spiritual growth, therapy and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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