In My Wildest Dreams

When most people hear the word “change”, they cringe. Most people don’t like change. Whether we admit it or not, most of us like stability, we like calm, we like the known, even when the ‘known’ sucks!

Wait, what?! Yes, I said it! Most of us prefer the known, even when the known is a crappy relationship, a job that’s going nowhere, living paycheck-to-paycheck, choosing mediocrity or being 20 pounds overweight. It’s comfortable. It’s what we know. No shame, it just is what it is.

But change, personal transformation, is tough stuff. It’s hard work. In my case, I’m going to share a secret with you: I’ve been working for nearly 3 years to transform my life from the inside out.

So, what’s that look like?

Nearly 3 years ago, a trifecta of events imploded my life. I let it. I was so angry, so fed up, so sad that it drove me to my therapist.  On my first visit I said, “I don’t care what I have to do or give up, or who I have to give up, or what I have to own or say, I’m done being miserable!” I’ve worked through a lot and am in a much different, better place than I was then. I’m not done but it’s much better than it was!

A year ago, I wasn’t running or working out as often as I could have been. Now, I run nearly every day. This past Sunday, 2/16, was the 1st day since 12/24, that I chose to do nothing. No run, no burpees, not stretching, no ab WOD, my usual routine. I’m down to a size 6, from a size 10, and I think I look and feel better than I have in years. I ran 5 5K’s last year with more to come this year. Choosing to get and stay healthy and train is a choice.

7 Months ago, I walked into a rape crisis center and told someone my ‘secret’. That I’d been date raped 11 years ago. I’ve worked hard, cried hard and mostly healed it. I am hoping to help others heal their traumas as well. Whether I’ll be doing that as a career or in a voluntary capacity remains to be seen.

4 Months ago, I invested in a program focused on inner work, on dredging up all the negative in order to clean it up, feel it, deal with it and heal it, so I can move on, happier and healthier. And I’m not done. It’s been painful, scary at times, draining but worth it.

I’ve done a lot and there’s still a to do. I’m not gonna lie. It’s had some incredibly painful moments. But it’s also had some incredibly joy-filled moments and I definitely know who my friends are now.

If you’d have told me 3 years ago that I’d be here now, I’d have told you you were crazy. Not in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d be where I am. I can’t wait to see what the future holds!

So, is there a change you’d like to tackle? Have you changed something in your life and, if so, are you where you thought you’d be? I’d love to hear your thoughts!



About spawtyspice

I was once a victim of a horrible act. Now, I'm a thriver, and sharing my experiences with Spartan Racing, training, spiritual awakening, food, yoga, being a fur mom, intuitive and whatever else strikes my fancy! Faith, family, fun! Blessed beyond compare! Won't you join me?
This entry was posted in change, inner work, personal growth, rape, sexual assault, spiritual growth, therapy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

66 Responses to In My Wildest Dreams

  1. Pingback: Blogelina Commentathon – Group #6 | Blogelina

  2. You are so right… change is hard! I usually need circumstances to force change upon me… the more I’ve embraced it, the easier it has gotten, though. How wonderful that you took your own life in your hands and are working towards positive change!

  3. Congratulations on your accomplishments.

    I don’t know if most people dislike change. I think it is more that people don’t like being changed.

    Rachel recently wrote Using the Oreo Cookie to Get Clients

    • spawtyspice says:

      I agree, people don’t like being changed. For me, as tough as it’s been to change myself, I wouldn’t even contemplate “trying to change” someone else. And thank you!

  4. Amy says:

    True! True! True! Good for you, taking responsibility for your own path and doing what it takes to heal! My personal “change” goal for 2014 is intentional writing. I have a lifelong dream of completing and publishing a novel and I realized that I am what has been holding me back! So, I’ve set a goal to write for 15 minutes every day… and you know what? I’m well on my way already!

  5. You sound like you are are the right track for inner peace happiness and and healthly body to support all the great changes! Best Wishes

  6. joleent0911 says:

    Sorry to hear about what happened to you. I can relate I was date raped back in 2008. It was a hard thing to talk about and it was hard to manage without being scared of every man you know or meet. Part of me wanted to be held and told it will be ok but the other part of me cringed at the thought. Stay strong and keep doing positive things!

    • spawtyspice says:

      I am so sorry that you’re a survivor sister, Joleen, but I’m proud of you for even admitting it. That’s a big deal and you’re brave to do it. If I can help you in any way, do let me know! Best to you! 🙂

  7. Yolanda says:

    You are going to change someone’s (probably many) life with your story! Congratulations on your transformation.

  8. Shelah T says:

    You outlook to move to live a better life is truly admirable. There is nothing that we cannot conquer if we set our minds and hearts to it. All the best!

  9. Audrey says:

    Keep up the great work! It always seems harder to be positive than negative, but much more rewarding in the end to be positive. We are rooting for you!

  10. imanisasa says:

    I would love to know the inner work program that you’ve been working with. I love that you are pursuing helping others heal and that you are starting with your self. I so get the path that you are on and I am so honored that you shared your secret with us and how you are working through it. Be well, be healed, be healer. You deserve and are worth it.

  11. Change is hard and scary; even good change is hard and scary. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable moments with us. We do so often allow the bad continue, because it is familiar. Thank you for these reminders to push through the hard and the pain to get to good change on the other side.

  12. Jasmine says:

    Wow! I’m glad you’re getting healing from your trauma. And I can definitely relate to the ‘not liking change’ part. I think that everything in our beings fight against us when we want to change and that’s where I am right now in my journey trying to get healthy. Just obstacle after obstacle. You’re an inspiration! I’ll remember you when I want to put off exercising and getting healthier!

  13. Finch says:

    Recently I decided to start a new habit: Each day I wake up and decide that no matter what, it is going to be a great day. I tend to beat myself up if I don’t always make the perfect choices (pizza, staying up too late, skipping a workout, an extra glass of wine). Now, I’ve found that I choose my tone and regardless of little slips, it really is going to be a fabulous morning!
    Congratulations on your amazing journey!

    • spawtyspice says:

      Thank you, Finch! And bravo for making better choices and deciding it’s going to be a great day every day. I do a routine every morning with prayer, affirmations and meditations and I find it helps. I do meditations at night as well. I’m proud of you. Small changes stack up to a positive new life over time! Keep up the great work!

  14. Good for you for pushing yourself and changing. It’s far too easy to stay the same , even if you don’t like that ‘same’. The strong people are those that fight for themselves and bring about the changes they want in themselves.

  15. What an inspirational story! I have not made a change yet, but one is coming this fall. Our family is transitioning from a educating at school to educating at home. We are going into this challenge knowing that we don’t have all the answers. Some days are going to be tough while others will be victorious. We are excited about this new adventure, and look forward to what our future holds.

  16. Ces says:

    I’ve been comfortable with a lot of things—my job, my home setup, etc.—but I never felt in control of my life. Like you said, it’s not easy to change because changing means shaking things up and I don’t like it when things don’t turn the way I planned. I admire you for the courage and determination you’ve shown.

    • spawtyspice says:

      Thank you, Ces, for your comments and your honesty. I think part of what’s gotten me as far as I’ve come has been been releasing the outcome. In other words, I decided things had to change, did the work but didn’t have a vision for what the ‘outcome’ looked like…because I honestly had no idea what it would look like, just that I was done hurting and being where I was.

  17. Change from the inside out (internal change) must be the hardest to tackle. You can think about how you might eat a different type of food, or change your exercise habits, but changes internally must be a challenge to work out. Your post will inspire everyone to think that this will be possible and that it it’s OK if it takes time.

  18. This is so inspiring. I hate change and definitely cringe to even think about it. It feels so great to push yourself. These are the things I need to read/hear to push myself. Thank you for your inspiring post!

    • spawtyspice says:

      Thank you, Miranda! Happy that I inspire. Change is good. Or transformation. Think caterpillar to butterfly. And yes, it does feel good to push yourself. Good luck to you!

  19. becky says:

    Change is hard, but it can be soooo good. Wow. Thanks for sharing your story–and motivating others at the same time!

  20. Heather McD says:

    That is awesome that you are doing so much for you. Change is hard and sometimes I resist it. I have said this is the year I am going change some things. It’s not easy but I want a better me.

  21. Change can be such a difficult thing to do! I definitely struggle in this area. I have so many things I want to change. What I like in your article is how you took baby steps. Very helpful to see and to be able to look back on I am sure. I am going to be more diligent to keep a journal to keep track of my changes!

    • spawtyspice says:

      Yes, Amanda, tracking changes helps and rewarding yourself for your efforts. For me, I put a star on the calendar for every day I work out and my ‘reward’ for a hard run is a hot bath with a cup of Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV). Kindness, forgiveness and compassion toward my self have made it easier as well! Thank you for commenting.

  22. Aishah says:

    You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned change being hard. It really is and I see that it is harder for some people than others. I feel that I have grown so much as a person in the past year and a lot of that rose out of crises that seemed horrible at the time but in hindsight they changed my life and made me Better. Thank you for sharing and good luck with all of the 5K’s!

    • spawtyspice says:

      You’re welcome. Change is easier if you know you need to do something and are open to it. It’s impossible if you don’t see it for yourself. I know a lot of people who think the grass, their team, the season, the president, whatever or whoever is the issue. Any thing/one but them! I’m sorry your year’s been tough but congrats on getting through it, Aishah!

  23. Good for you on making so many positive changes! I definitely struggle with change too, mostly in the form of having a set routine and not being good at learning to go with the flow or getting away from a routine.

    • spawtyspice says:

      It’s taken me almost 3 years, Alyssa. You can do it too. I find that reminding myself daily, sometimes throughout the day that “I control my self, my actions and reactions. Period.” helps a great deal!

  24. Marie says:

    Change can be such a difficult thing. It requires people to go outside their comfort zone, to try things that are unknown . . . and that’s uncomfortable. But if we want to grow, I think change is necessary. Kudos to you for working so hard at it. Change from the inside out and is really the only way to make a true change. Otherwise it’s just covering things up that will have to be faced some day. Nice post.

  25. Lori says:

    Congratulations on your achievements so far! It is hard to make one change, but to do those 3 fairly close together is admirable. But then again, your body, mind, and past are all tied together. Thank you for sharing your story and being an inspiration for others to change. I am in the middle of trying to make a health change as well – I want to lose the baby weight I’ve had since my son was born. Being fed up is such an incentive to stick with it!

  26. Change is good – we hear it all the time – we believe it when someone else says it but when it comes down to it – its just hard and scary. Becoming complacent is on par with living in fear. Take a leap – make the change – just little incremental changes every day or week can lead to BIG changes in the future

  27. Carol Kus says:

    Congratulations on all you’ve accomplished!! Being vulnerable, transparent and facing/releasing our pain takes great courage…. love and hugs to you 🙂

  28. That’s wonderful! Change can be hard and truthfully, if you are conscious of your desire to keep changing and improving, the process never ends.

  29. Congratulations to you for getting through everything & accomplishing so much! You are doing very admirable work.

  30. Sabrina says:

    The fact that something good comes from something awful amazes me. You have endured a horrible tragedy and it sounds like you are working hard to move forward. I have no doubt that what you are sharing and doing will be a blessing to someone else. And congrats on the 5K’s and all the other changes of choice you are making.

  31. I’m so sorry to hear you were a rape victim. The known is comfortable and change happens we we step outside our comfort zone. Our everyday choices add up to big change over time. Best wishes for all your endeavors ahead.

    • spawtyspice says:

      Thank you. It happened. I’ve more or less healed. Had my last appointment on Thursday with my counselor. Now I’m dealing with the rest of my life, the other stuff. And you’re right, the known is comfortable but I’m happily stepping out of my comfort zone a bit more every day! And you are so right, little every day choices add up to big change over time. Thank you for your kind remarks!

  32. val says:

    Congrats on your positive changes! I’m working on making good changes again with my health. It’s slow getting back into good habits. Even when I can remember how good it’s going to feel once I get into that groove. One of the best changes we have made is who we are friends with. Amazing people that we’d definitely call family. I never knew I’d have girlfriends that I can and do call at any hour of the day or night if I need to. Putting myself out there was scary after being burned so often.

    • spawtyspice says:

      Thank you, Val! I’m proud of you and I agree, sometimes who we surround ourselves has to change. Been there myself. I’ve been consciously choosing to be vulnerable and I find that while it’s incredibly scary, it’s also helped me be more real and clarify friendships. I’m proud of you for the changes you make. I find that changes you slowly get into are the ones that last. Or things brought on by a challenge. Thank you for commenting and sharing! 🙂

  33. MommyLES says:

    Change is hard especially if you are used to the “known”. I’ve been wanting to lose weight, but I’m not exerting any effort to do it. This post inspires me a lot and I think it’s time that I do something to make me feel better.

    • spawtyspice says:

      Hi Lesley, I tried something today and it felt pretty good so I thought I’d share. I wrote down the “known” of my life today and then wrote down the “unknown”, what I desire and worked to shift to “I’m curious about what that would look like, how that would feel…” And found myself both excited and curious. I know weight loss can be tough. If you’d like an accountability partner, let me know. Happy to help! I’m glad I’ve inspired you and YES, it’s TIME for you to do something that makes YOU feel better. You might also consider doing some inner work, journaling, 5 minute meditation, see what comes up. Those are things that work for me that I’ve incorporated into my daily routine. Good luck! I know you can do it!!

  34. itsashort says:

    Change is good, and at times great but also challenging. Congratulations to you for making such an amazing effort! All the best!

  35. Cindy says:

    I am so happy you were able to make all these changes for the better! Change is hard but it can create some amazing things.

  36. That is fantastic that you have made all those positive changes! Change is hard work. Old habits are hard to break. Good for you!

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