The last year of my journey has been particularly daunting. I never know what’s going to trigger me anymore. I keep hoping and praying that I’ve embraced, felt, cried and dealt with every last fiber of it…I know I haven’t yet but a girl can hope!
Case in point: late last night. I’m having a conversation via IM with a friend. I said goodnight and thought nothing of it. Minutes later, I blew me up like a puffer fish!
We had been talking about how exhausting this journey can be. I agreed. Yes, it can be. But it’s worth it. It is. Truly. It’s absolutely worth it.
She said, “I’m tired.” I’m saying now, admitting it: I’m tired. Yes, I’m tired. Between handling my stuff and everybody else’s stuff, I admit it, I’M TIRED! In fact, I’m exhausted.
So after the minute of lamenting about being tired, I admitted something else. I choose happiness, knowing in my heart of hearts that there is a transition coming. I’ve lived through all of this and honestly, my survival record is 100%. So, I consciously choose happiness.
I thought briefly about saying, “Then just let go!” but she’s not there yet. If you’re not familiar with the concept behind release, surrender and letting go, you’re going to read “Then just let go!” and think, “Do WHAT?!”
To be clear, it’s not her fault. Yes, she said something that triggered me but I reacted, albeit involuntarily and subconsciously. Another person’s reaction to what we say is not on us, it’s on them.
As I was reacting last night, I could hear my heart beating in my chest. I truly would love to know what was being triggered since there were no tears, nothing inflammatory or upsetting at all, as a matter of fact. My hives outbreaks are severe emotional stress manifested outward. They’re also the body’s way of releasing emotions. That much I know. What I didn’t know, still don’t as I’m editing this nearly 24 hours later, is what was triggered. Hoping I drained it completely.
Anyway, I digress. One of the hardest things about this journey is not knowing what your going to find as you go. There is nothing to light your way, neither a candle nor a LED flashlight. Nary a match. Nothing. So you’re feeling in the dark and yes, it’s scary. There is no start and no finish. No deadline. “You’ll know it when you get there.” Excellent! I’ve heard that before…
And what are you going to find? What stories? What emotions are buried there that you need to stare down and pull into the light? [Hint: if you sit with an emotion and keep feeling it, you're through it in 11 minutes, max. That's the longest length of an emotional arc. My worst, most painful ones have lasted less than 5 minutes.]
It requires rock solid faith and knowing your body and its reactions very well.
In my case, I honestly don’t know what I stumbled upon last night.
I hate to ask that awful question but, “God, are we there yet?”
Honestly, healing my stuff and helping others heal theirs, depending upon the energy, can be exhausting! Emotionally, mentally and physically. It’s necessary work, it’s an honor to be part of someone’s healing story but as a conduit, it can be exhausting. I admit it.
In doing this healing work, the emotion attached to the story, the space or the emotion is the crux of the issue. It’s hard to know what’s what and what’s attached to what. Something is triggered and we react. Sometimes we can choose our reaction. Last night, I didn’t react at all. I actually didn’t give the conversation another conscious thought. Until hives started washing over me.
I know many people who stuff things down because they’re scared of what’s there and the emotions attached to emotions and thoughts. They don’t want it to affect their work, their decisions or their performance. They don’t want their life to be affected. Change can be scary. I get it. I do! I used to be that way.
I can’t say I blame them. One minute you’re falling asleep, the next minute hives is washing over you like an ocean wave. Scary stuff. And I’ve been through it enough times now that I could feel it coming on.
I know my body and trust it. I took an antihistamine. This, too, shall pass.
I just wish I knew what exactly triggered it. And what the conversation triggered. Maybe my general fed up ness caught fire and brought on the hives. It’s hard to say but I am grateful for it because I definitely released trapped emotions that were toxic to me. I’m also grateful for it because it showed me how this process and my interactions with others can affect them. And that’s huge insight that no matter how much I am there for them, their reaction is out of my control.
As I finish this blog, I’m hives free. Completely. Clear skin all the way around. Clear mind and heart, too. Lessons learned.
My intuitive sense says that this was a huge learning lesson, which I got loud and clear, and and a cleansing, too. It’s a blessing in disguise, being triggered.